If I can't have you completely

I'll have you in between

I’m really indulging my obsession with this piece. If you’d prefer to read a more concise version of this essay, you can find a shorter version over on the Casually Obsessed blog. While you’re there, be sure to subscribe for more awesome pop culture content! If you’re here for the 2400 word gush, keep on reading <3

I’ve been a huge fan of Misterwives since 2017, when they opened for Panic! at the Disco at a concert I drove to Vegas for. It was a strange trip for me; I had never actually been to Vegas, we only spent about 14 hours there, and I was traveling with someone I was in the process of breaking up with. That is all to say that I wasn’t feeling particularly emotionally available when Misterwives took the stage. Still, Mandy Lee found her way right to my heart.

Mandy is the lead singer and songwriter of Misterwives, and the rest of her bandmates are men. While the band is cohesive and collaborative, Mandy’s lyrics are what pulled me in, and keep me coming back.

I would highly recommend perusing the band’s entire discography, as I honestly love all of it and I love the way you can hear their sound and style evolve. Today I’m going to focus on their latest album, SUPERBLOOM.

SUPERBLOOM came out in July 2020, four months after Covid lockdowns began and one month after I’d finished my master’s thesis and graduated in my living room. I was craving art that tackled transition, discomfort, and plunging into the unknown. SUPERBLOOM delivered. Much of the album felt like it was written about the uncertainty and changes so many of us were experiencing at the time of the album’s release. However, the music was not about quarantine. It was about two of the band members, who had been together for 8 years, getting divorced.

I’d like to back up a little bit. In November 2019, Misterwives released Mini Bloom, an EP that included 5 songs that would eventually find their permanent home on the SUPERBLOOM record. A few of the songs on the EP were unmistakably breakup songs, but without a lot of context. I assumed that Mandy was pulling from past experiences, as she and the band’s drummer (Etienne) had been together for years and had just gotten married at the end of 2018.

I got to see Misterwives in concert that same month on their “No Place Like Home” tour, which was Wizard of Oz themed, and I remember telling my friend Joey that I found it weird that they didn’t sing a few of my favorite songs to hear live, like “Ocean” and “Drummer Boy.” I thought maybe those songs just didn’t fit into the theme of the tour, or maybe they were tired of playing them. 

As it turns out, both of those songs (written by Mandy) were explicitly about Etienne, and at that point, they had already separated as a couple and were going through the divorce process.

In July 2020, just before SUPERBLOOM came out, Mandy and Etienne published a joint statement on social media letting fans know that they were no longer partners, and that they wanted to tell us themselves before the music did. They assured us that the band would stay together, and that they still loved each other deeply.

After that statement, Mandy began to share more personal details in the behind-the-scenes content she was sharing as part of the marketing for the new album. She shared about how difficult it was to be honest about her experience of the ending of the relationship in her writing with the knowledge that her ex would not only read the lyrics, but would have to arrange and play the music for them. She shared about collaborating with other women to write songs for the first time. And, she shared about how healing it was to get back to making music with Etienne again, which was always foundational to their relationship.

I still cannot fathom the level of grace, emotional literacy, respect, and boundary setting that Mandy and Etienne, along with the rest of the band, had to bring to the creative process in order to produce such an honest album. All of that work comes through in the music, too. There is an intimacy and a nuance to SUPERBLOOM that is, truly, such a gift.

In addition to the album, Misterwives also created a live streamed concert which is now available for replay. I highly recommend the LiveDream! Misterwives is a very theatrical band, and the visuals and choreography bring an additional layer of expression and understanding to the album that definitely inform this essay.

Ok, that’s more than enough background. Let’s get to the music.

Narratively, SUPERBLOOM begins in the final stages of Mandy and Etienne’s romantic relationship, then moves on to the breakup. The album then takes us through the messy internal aftermath, and finally to the other side, where they both fall in love again, with new people. I think of the album as a story in five acts, with a bow at the end. Act 1 tells stories about Mandy and Etienne’s relationship, and coming to terms with the end of it.

SUPERBLOOM begins with the last song from Mini Bloom, “the end.” It’s hopeful, grateful, and cathartic. At first, I thought it was an odd place to open the album, but it really is a story that starts at the end of something else. At the end of the song, Mandy sings “all good things come to an end to make room for new beginnings,” a sentiment that might have come off as cheesy were it not for the context around it, both in “the end” and in the songs that follow. Mandy is looking out at the difficult road ahead, but, she assures us, “I’m not covering my eyes this time.”

The second song on the album is one of my favorites, “ghost.” It’s about the stage in a relationship when the connection is fading, and the other person is becoming less and less present, but you’re still in it and holding on. One of the most haunting lyrics in the chorus of “ghost” is “if I can’t have you completely, I’ll have you in between.” That is to say, I will make something whole out of whatever scraps you give me. I will find a way to keep telling myself the story of you even as you fade away. That resonates with me, and it’s devastating. It’s also a theme that comes up a lot in the first third of the album.

Act I wraps up with “whywhywhy,” a song about the frustration of watching something you thought had so much potential fall apart. There is some level of bargaining going on in the grieving process here. Mandy says “Don’t, you’re pulling me under we were meant to stay afloat. I see the embers, they have not yet lost all their glow. Could you try to take a look into my eyes, and tell me why oh why why why?” She hasn’t given up yet, she’s still fighting for what she thought she had even though that fight is, in many ways, fueled by resentment for the other person who isn’t showing up the way she needs him to. And who hasn’t been there?

Aesthetically, this first act is very upbeat and high energy, but it also documents the devolution of a relationship, and the fervent attempts to resuscitate it. I think the pacing and pop style of the songs also speak to the anxiety of coming to terms with dreams and expectations that aren’t coming to fruition.

SUPERBLOOM shifts into Act II with the track “alone.” The song “alone” is a clear continuation of the narrative in “whywhywhy,” with the hope and bargaining stripped away to reveal a more raw iteration of the same exasperation and exhaustion. In the chorus, Mandy sings “I’m so done with lying, done with solo crying, I’m so done with trying alone.” There is nothing more lonely than being in a relationship with someone who isn’t really there, and this song gives that feeling, that anger and frustration, a voice.

The next song, “stories,” also appeared on Mini Bloom. I actually didn’t connect with this song very much on the EP, where I didn’t have any context for it, and it still isn’t my favorite musically, but it is one of my favorite tracks from a lyrical standpoint. While “stories” speaks to some of the same dynamics as the last two songs, it takes a markedly more melancholy tone, and perhaps a gentler approach. Mandy sings, “I try to stay in love and do it without your help. And now I sing myself to sleep in hotels with lullabies wrapped in lies and stories I tell myself.” While the earlier songs in this act bear witness to louder, more active emotions, “stories” offers me a moment to wrap myself in a blanket and feel the quieter but no less devastating sadness that comes with this brand of loneliness. It also prepares us for the next song.

“valentine’s day” feels like the most literal and biographical representation of the actual breakup on the album. Mandy is still alone, but the other person in the relationship is humanized a little more. She recounts conversations between them, and explicitly refers to their wedding, and how it happened very close to the end of their eight-year-long relationship. It ends with one of my favorite lines from the album: “It’s only half the truth but it’s still true.” To me, this is one of the most nuanced and loving moments of SUPERBLOOM. She’s just spent the first third of the album telling her side of the story with no holds barred, but here she makes space for Etienne’s experiences without minimizing her own. It is true that he is a whole, complex person who probably experienced this breakup and this relationship differently, and that is valid. However, Mandy’s experiences are still wholly true, just as his are. This is the both/and thing therapists are always insisting exists, and I am guessing that this approach is what made the making of this album possible in the first place. 

After “valentine’s day,” SUPERBLOOM takes a pretty dramatic turn. The next song, “over the rainbow,” is the most explicit nod to the Wizard of Oz on the album (perhaps along with “find my way home”). This song marks the beginning of a post-breakup bender, taking the singer to a place she doesn’t recognize. She sings, “Nobody wake me from this bad dream, I don’t like it down here, I don’t want to leave.” This song is about the experience of being aware enough to know that you’re about to be self destructive, but also being too far in to want something different. The next track, “it’s my turn,” takes a similar, but slightly less chaotic, stance. In “it’s my turn,” Mandy sings about finally being able to make her own mistakes. She’s ready to acknowledge that she’s making destructive choices, but she’s still vehemently making room for herself to do that as part of whatever process she’s in the middle of. I don’t say “healing” process because that’s not the goal in the narrative at this stage, and we can’t see our way out yet.

The next few songs, “find my way home,” “7-2,” and “rock bottom,” tell the story of slowly starting to come back to yourself. All three tracks spend at least some time looking back and acknowledging the “rock bottom” Mandy just described, and while we’re not out of the woods yet, Mandy is finally ready to try to get there. In “rock bottom,” she sings, “got below rock bottom, fallen angels I taught ‘em, but I’m bringing it back bringing it back because I’m never losing myself like that.”

While Act II is characterized by sadness and loneliness, Act III is all about the spiral, about avoiding yourself and your hurt after a breakup by staying in unhealthy habits and behaviors. Honestly, this is the hardest act for me to contend with, but it is also one of the primary reasons why I recommend this album to anyone going through a breakup. It’s so hard to be honest about the ugly aftermath, so it’s hard to find representations of it in media that feel relatable (or at least it has been for me). It’s an important part of the story.

Act IV, which includes “coming up for air,” “oxygen,” “running in place,” and “decide to be happy” is about the transition between climbing out of the grave of heartbreak and finding a new, level ground. Every song takes on a different moment in the process. Where some breakup albums dwell on similar emotions across multiple tracks, SUPERBLOOM holds a crystal up to the light and turns it, showing us something new with each angle.

Act V, comprised of “love me true,” “3 small words,” and “muse” is about falling into new love after enduring and getting through such a big loss. It’s sweet, tender, and celebratory. These are also the three songs I find myself returning to most often a year after the album’s release. While the songs themselves are explicitly about moving on, they also have a place in Mandy and Etienne’s story. In some behind the scenes promotional content, Mandy shared that making this new joyful music about other loves together (which, to be transparent, would absolutely decimate me) was a huge relief that brought them back together as true friends and collaborators.

The title track is the last song on the album. “SUPERBLOOM” is a celebration of pushing through the dirt to face the sun. It’s so joyful! I’ve played it on Zoom to celebrate a couple of my students’ graduations. To me, in the context of the album, it feels like a bow. The story has drawn to a close, and now all the players are running back onto the stage so we can stand up and throw them some roses.

There are countless records of post-breakup feelings in pop music, but to me these songs feel different. Though they nod to the exterior realities of some destructive behaviors, they stay rooted in the interior experiences Mandy is telling us about. I think it’s really difficult to be honest about the truly ugly aftermath of heartbreak, or any other vulnerable time, so it’s hard for me to find representations of it that resonate. But, it’s an important part of the story. In these songs, Mandy reveals a lot of herself to us, but she also names some experiences I’ve felt but haven’t known how to articulate. That’s what I’m always looking for. 

As always, thanks for being here! If you know someone who might enjoy this content, please share this post with them!

If you’d like some more Christina in your life, remember that $5/month gets you an additional email every month with a poem draft, commentary, and a writing prompt! Annual subscribers (sliding scale of $50-$120/year) will be thanked in my forthcoming poetry collection.

If you have a paid subscription, I’ll be back in your inbox soon with a new poem and prompt. I’ll see the rest of you next month for some non-breakup culture content!

Best,
Christina